The Music

The music moves you, almost as if it was written for you at to hear at the specific moment that it reaches your ears. The rollercoaster of emotions that it invokes makes your mind spin in circles. You get the familiar feelings of nostalgia and then you remember what it felt like to fall in love… The sweetness of the feeling warms your heart while past heartache fades away into the farthest reaches of your mind.

You try to be rational, but that’s a lost cause, for your heart is anything and everything but rational. Suddenly, your attention is diverted away from it all as your body moves back and forth to the beats in the newfound anthem of your life. The pain is suddenly gone, replaced by the positive energy found in the tranquil melody. Between each note change, you’re reminded of the love, the hate, all that is wrong and right with the world… Its beauty overtakes you to the point of ecstasy while you fight back the tears of joy.

You really needed to hear it when you did… Because it reminds you of why you’re alive. You live for this feeling that is indescribable in just a few words… Except, maybe you can convey the emotion in a few words, only if they could be mixed in a blender: hope, freedom, peace, love… Maybe it’s just serenity that you’ve found… even if it’s just in the moment.

Shhh. Be quiet, or they’ll hear us…

“Shhh. Be quiet, or they’ll hear us,” she said in a whispered voice. I then exclaimed, “I have no shame!” Suddenly, she started talking in a normal speaking voice. I explained to her that sometimes I have volume control issues. She laughed it off, but she also realized that I was being serious. Throughout our conversation, she kept looking at me inquisitively as if she was repeating every word and questioning what I said back to herself in her own mind. Later that night, she surprised me by repeating something I had said back to me verbatim when I asked her for her opinion on something. It was her way of letting me know that she understood me. Most of all, this action told me that I mattered and I already had the answers to my own questions: even if I didn’t want to realize it. It seemed that our conversation had gone in a small circle, but it was slightly different this time around because of the small changes in the topic. The conversation flowed on its own without either of us feeling forced to say anything. Instead of small talk, I have yet to have a lackluster conversation with this woman. She understands me and doesn’t judge me for anything. Pure and unconditional acceptance allows us to talk about any topic without fear of embarrassment.

Have a meaningful conversation with someone today and actually listen to them rather than just hearing them. Active listening is a long-lost art form that should be practiced as often as possible.

via Daily Prompt: Conversation

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year to everyone that could potentially read this!

My mother always told me that what you’re doing on New Year’s Eve will have an influence on your activities for the rest of the year.

I think that if this evening will be an indication of what I’ll be doing, then I won’t mind it that much as I’m working and writing this New Year’s Eve. In addition, since I don’t drink alcohol,  I won’t have a hangover when I wake up so I can get a head start on some resolutions.

By only having a few resolutions, it will be easier on me for the next year to realize all of them. I’m a creature of habit. If I have too many changes at once, I think that I would become stressed out which would make it more difficult to change. If a habit can be formed in less than 30 days, then why not make it a healthy one for a change?

In 2018, I will:

  1. Get my license and a car
  2. Get in better shape and maintain it
  3. Write more often

In 2017, I accomplished a few things:

  1. I got a better job.
  2. I moved out on my own.
  3. I met some really cool people.
  4. I have quit smoking habitually. (However, I still vape and I have a cigarette every now and then.)
  5. I have realized that I can be independent, even if it is awkward at first.

Some psychologists say that being “too positive” for the New Year is a bad thing as when you don’t realize your goals, it leads to a negative experience. I have to respectfully disagree. I know that I won’t get all of the goals I’ve set forth all in the first month. You can take the entire year to get the goals done and some of the resolutions can’t be solved in a day or even a month, so it’s always good to be realistic. I know that I won’t be able to get into better shape in just a week!

I’m going to change the way that I live. It’s going to be a brutal first month. Rather than twiddle my thumbs, I’m going to start putting my spare time to better use. I don’t know what the year has in store for us, but I wish nothing but the best for all of us. I’m optimistic that it will be better than the last.

… Don’t discount yourself.

I was recently told by an older and wiser man to not discount the things that I’ve gone through this year… He said that even though it doesn’t seem like they were major changes, they were; I should be proud of what I’ve accomplished.

In January of this year, when I started a program, I told myself and my friends in my group that I was going to get a new job. In May, I ended up in a job that I absolutely love.

I graduate the program in January of 2018, which is almost right around the corner.

I had a breakup this year; I’ve been rejected more times than I’d like to admit. However, I’ve moved out on my own and I’m more independent than I’ve been in the past few years.

I have accomplished almost everything that I had sought to this year. The only thing that I haven’t been able to accomplish is in regard to my weight and fitness.

I’m going to have some spare income which will allow me to get a gym membership and hire a trainer. Because of my graduating the program, my schedule is going to open up and I might as well put the extra time to good use.

I’m going to get my license back in January and by mid February, I should have a car.

A lot has happened in the past year, even if it doesn’t seem like it to other people. The year has flown by and I’m glad to have been able to remain sane during it.

My resolutions are going to be simple for next year…

  1. Get in better shape by working out at least three times a week, using Snap Kitchen for food, and by working with my doctor.
  2. Get my license back and a car
  3. Get my finances in better order
  4. Quit nicotine

I’ve mostly quit smoking already and I’m down to 4-5mg/ml of nicotine inside my vape. I’m going to leave it at that for a while and then start reducing it again until I’m at zero.

I’m hopeful for next year. I’m sure that it’s going to be a lot better than this year. However, even though I had a couple of down points this year, it hasn’t been all that bad. Actually, it’s been a little awesome. 🙂

… What do you write about?

So, earlier today, I was asked what I wrote about… I didn’t really have a good answer because the most writing that I’ve done lately has been on this blog.

I’ve been thinking about a few different stories; I don’t know which one I’m going to run with. However, I’m going to write random posts on here so that a story can potentially develop out of them… I’ll have them tagged with “Random” so that I can easily identify them.

Rather than the answer of “random shit from my life”, I think I should come up with a better answer… Although, that does describe most of my writing, even if it’s poetry, it’s still inspired by my actual life.

Saudade

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

Sometimes I need to remind myself of the ephemeral nature that we all have on this little blue dot in the great cosmos. Everything in this world is temporary. My life is one that is just borrowed from the Universe; some day the energy and matter that makes up my body and soul will eventually be returned.

I feel saudade… (I find it a little humorous that English doesn’t have a single word/term: I found it in Portuguese.) Maybe the terms “nostalgic melancholy” could begin to convey what I’m feeling, but I still feel that it’s missing something in the translation.

I’m grateful to have had the time with those who have made me into the person that I am today. I think that everyone that I’ve met has influenced my life in some way, even if it is only a small divergence from my previous course.

I’ve had many dreams where a faceless person and I share love: I just wonder if I’ll ever meet them or if I have already. Is it the same person or is it a composite character of many individuals over time? Every time I start to figure out who they are, I wake up.

Second class citizens

I’m tired of being a second class citizen.

When an institution can allow discrimination based on any attribute that an individual shares with a group, they are creating a class or group of “lesser” people.

I thought that we would have made progress by now. There is no place for religion inside the government (separation of church and the state); however, it seems that most of the arguments used against my people is based on religion.

Please show me a reason that doesn’t include religion or “social norms” to support your argument that I should not be able to provide for my partner.

If you want to keep religion as one of the only arguments against my rights, then you should also outlaw divorce. Why not go ahead and ban pork as well as shell fish while you’re at it?

I’m tired of people cherry picking through their scriptures. Either follow all of it or none of it. You can’t go around saying that you’re only 60% Christian. You either are or you’re not, so why do you go through scripture and only select things that you deem fit and relevant? If you say “it’s up to personal interpretation”, then you negate your argument.

Whatever happened to “Love thy neighbor as you would love yourself?” This is repeated in more than just one verse inside the Bible, but I don’t see how people are living it. I don’t think that it said anywhere “Love thy neighbor, unless they’re different than you.”

If everyone would follow this single verse out of the Bible, then we would have a world that has more love and light rather than just suffering and darkness.

 

There are no strangers here…

Also, I can run around nude if I wanted to. I don’t; however, it’s still an option if I ever was so inclined.

This is the first year that I’ve ever spent a holiday by myself.

In the past, I could go home to my family or spend it with friends. Well, I worked today, so I didn’t spend it completely alone, but at the same time, as soon as I came home, there I was. I was alone with my cat. This is the first year that I’ve spent Thanksgiving without any loved ones. Even in the past, such as when I lived in Boca Raton, I would fly back home for the holidays, including Thanksgiving. Last year, I had my (ex)partner to spend holidays with. I feel strange that I’ve only been home to my family once in the past two years and that was just for three days. I think that I may plan a trip down to visit sometime early next year.

I think that the next holiday will be better, or at least I’m hoping that it is. I’ll more than likely see about spending it with a friend or two. I really should have planned for today or have taken today off of work to go hangout with some friends. It just felt a little lonely whenever I came home to my Spartan apartment.

I love living by myself in that I don’t really have to answer to anybody (don’t have a landlord that I’m living with), etc… Also, I can run around nude if I wanted to. I don’t; however, it’s still an option if I ever was so inclined.

The entire point of my human existence is to make meaningful connections with others. In an effort to do this, I put myself out there to meet new people at a coffee shop and a couple of other places. As long as I get out of the house and talk to a random person, then I’m not really alone.

williambutleryeats4-2x

Important notes for those on “Dating Apps”

I really hate being ignored. 

I went ahead and labeled this “rant-one” in the permalink above because I have a feeling that I might make this into a series.

Let’s say that if someone came up to you in a cafe and tried to start a conversation, just a conversation, with no sexual overtones or anything else. How would you react? Would you turn around and walk away or ignore them?

If someone gave you a compliment, such as, “you have pretty eyes”, in person, does that automatically mean that they want to screw you? What if they’re just trying to brighten up your day?

If someone just needed a friend and was friendly to you out in public, what would you do?

Now on to my rant… 🙂

I may be in the minority, but I look at a dating/social/hookup application or website the same way as I would a cafe or somewhere else in public. Therefore, I try to reply to people, even if I’m not interested in anything other than friendship. I wouldn’t flat out ignore someone and not reply back in public, so why would I do it on an application/site?

Why in the hell would you say that you’re wanting friends if all you want to do is mess around? That’s why there’s the option to not be looking for friends…

To do this, you simply uncheck the looking for “Friendships / Friends” box while making sure that you’ve checked the “NSA / No strings attached / Right Now” boxes. You don’t need to have all of the boxes checked to make sure that your public image isn’t tainted. Trust me, you’re already on a hookup app/site.

If you’re genuinely looking for friends, start behaving like it.

None of the sites or applications require approval for changing the “looking for” sections — you can do this all by yourself.

/end rant.

I don’t need my friends to be “good looking” or otherwise “my type” in real life, so why in the hell would I need it online?

If you’ve ignored me online and you have “wanting friends” listed and I recognize you in public, I will more than likely start a conversation with you or try to… That way, if you walk off or ignore me, thus appearing like an asshole, maybe the embarrassment will teach you something. It’s a lot different when you’re held accountable by your peers, isn’t it?

I moved, driving, and other things.

I recently moved into a new apartment. It’s nice, but it’s in an area of Austin that I used to live in. While the interior of my apartment is great, I don’t necessarily feel 100% safe while walking around at night. Someone was “assaulted with a deadly weapon” less than 500-800 feet from my apartment and about 45 minutes before I was in the same exact place that it occurred.

I’m sticking it out for as long as I can so that I can attempt to save up some money before moving again. I figure that I’ll be here for the duration of my lease. It’s going to be next month when I’m finally done with a lot of the things that have been weighing me down. I think that as soon as I start driving again, I’ll feel better about things. Also, I can’t wait until I get a new bed. I’m currently sleeping on a futon that’s a twin size bed when it’s folded out.

I think that I’m going to go ahead and get my insurance squared away within the month so that I can go buy a junker by January.

Now on to a more personal issue…

I think that I’m just wired differently than other people. I’ve met a few people in Austin that seem to “get me”, but I only see them occasionally.

I need people to be direct and to the point with me. They may hurt my feelings for a little while if they want to reject my friendship or potentially romantic relationship, but I’m a big boy. I can handle it.

I’d rather be investing my energy toward bettering myself than chasing after anyone. So, with that into consideration, it would be best if I’m interested in you in any romantic sense (and trust me, you’ll know), that you reject me if you don’t foresee yourself returning any of those feelings. I’d rather us be platonic friends than nothing at all. It may take me a while to be able to have a platonic friendship, but trust me, I’ll be there eventually.

Whenever I moved to Austin in 2015, I didn’t know anyone here. My social circle has grown some, but I still feel lonely a lot of the time, unless I’m hanging out with people at the coffee shop. Every now and then, I can be surrounded by friends or acquaintances and still feel completely alone, so it’s difficult for me to form connections with people. However, if you can understand how I speak my mind and can get over the potential awkwardness of my brevity, then I think that we may be friends.

I’ll be a true friend to anyone who needs one.

Edited: I have written a “rules of engagement” for myself which has been published on this domain and occasionally updated. It is listed in the menu above.